The morning started with an early rise to catch the London tube to the other tube line, to the train station, to the airport, to the check-in counter, to some food, to the plane. A long morning and the day just started before boarding our flight on Onur Air. On the plus side, at least we were able to sit next to each other this time.

The thing we didn’t know about flying to Northern Cyprus when we booked the trip, was that all flights have to come from Turkey. What this means is, that we thought it would be a quick flight from London to Cyprus based on the distance. But we had the added stopover in Turkey. The stop involved the plane landing on Turkish soil then sitting on the tarmac for 45 minutes before taking off again and then to Cyprus. Completely pointless.

After arriving in Cyprus and making it through the confusing immigration lines, we were directed out to a series of busses arranged by Cyprus Paradise. They loaded us up like cattle to be shuttled off to our respective destinations. And exactly 12 hours after leaving our hotel in London we arrived at the Malpas Resort Hotel.

We were wondering if they were going to feed us and nicely enough they had a buffet set up for the arriving busload of tourists. After having some food, we went to the counter to check in. When we booked the trip, we took a standard room, and our plan was at check-in we would just ask for an upgraded room, depending on what the rate for a nicer room would end up being. But it was a vacation so why not splurge a bit? Instead what happened was we went to the counter, they already had everyone booked into rooms. The lady at the desk handed us our room key without saying anything. When we asked about an upgraded room, she looked back at us with a blank stare of incomprehension. In response to our question of what the view was like, she said it had one of the water and the mountain. Didn’t sound too bad we thought so we took the key and went to the room. 

Upon walking into room 108 at the Malpas, the first thing we noticed was the strong smell of stale cigarettes. Something us non-smokers are more sensitive to noticing than most smokers. The second thing we noticed was when walking out on the balcony was that the view was of the mountains in a way, but mostly it was of a very large corrugated metal roof that covered something on the floor beneath us. It was dark, so I guess it’s possible that somehow out of the corner of the view it might have been possible to see the water, but the reality was, it was not a view of the water.

“This is unacceptable,” HK said, and we grabbed our bags and unintentionally took the service elevator in our anger and tiredness, through the kitchen, and back to the front desk to talk to blank face girl again about the room. We explained the problem with the room, and she responded saying they were fully booked and no other rooms were available. We told her again that we would pay for a better room, and she stared at us blankly for a bit before having us sit and saying that someone would be with us after she finished working through the crowd of other guests from the bus checking in.

You know how when you are talking to your dog and the dog looks at you with its inquisitive eyes trying to understand what you are saying? This girl was not that smart. She stared at you with a blank face not even attempting to understand what you were saying. And that’s why the nickname I gave her for the remainder of our stay was blank face. She apparently was used to getting by in life based on her looks and nothing else. Either that or she was very high.

Sitting in the lobby waiting area, we started talking to the people sitting and waiting next to us. They were an older couple from England, and it turns out they had been put in room 107, next door to our 108, and it also turns out they were very dissatisfied with the quality of the room after seeing the metal roof view.

We sat and waited, we watched “blank face” check people in, and we waited with nothing happening. So after waiting for an appropriate amount of time we went and said something again. Blank face stared back at us and told us to take a seat. But as we sat back down, she went back to what she was doing not responding to our issue. And after waiting some more we went back again, this time blank face admitted they had another room in the other building. Still not a sea view but she offered for us to take a look. We said yes, so she told us to sit again and she would have someone show us the room. So we sat.

Checking into the Malpas
Blank Face hard at work.

A long while later one of the baggage guys came over and offered to help us to our room. We explained to him what we were waiting on, and thinking he understood us we handed him our room key assuming he was going to find out the delay and get us the key to the other room. After he left, we waited some more with nothing happening and decided to try to talk to someone else. We went to the counter, found another guy who said they were fully booked. We told him that they weren’t fully booked because blank face had offered us to see another room. And we were waiting on that.

After much back and forth, with him, with blank face, and with the baggage guy, we finally were shown to the other room with me mumbling as we walked out of the lobby, “I think everyone here is retarded.” Using that word in its most offensive context possible in regards to these people.

The room was much nicer than the last one. It was clean, it didn’t smell of cigarettes, and even though the view was of the dirt parking lot across the driveway leading up to the hotel, it was good enough to take. So we did just that and settled in for a much-needed sleep after how long it took us to get there.

the malpas parking lot
Our “upgraded” room view